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Too much farting in public

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Too much farting in public

Posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

My girlfriend always complains about my farting in public places. She says that it is rude of me. The problem is that I can't help all the farting. If I hold it in it just makes my bunghole ache and I dont want to have a sore butthole anyway. Ive tried "beano" but it gives me heartburn. The farts are always loud and noticeable. I do try to muffle the sound by stopping and standing still with my buttcheeks clenched really hard together. This helps but everytime I go to stand still she walks away really fast because she says that she knows a "blaster" is coming. We argue because she wont support me. One time I grabbed her head and held it near my bunghole and ripped a toxic fart right into her face. We were in an expensive resteraunt. She was mortified and very embarased because it was loud as hell and smelled like poop. But I wanted her to know how embarasing the problem is for me every time I cut farts in public. The smell is the other issue. It smells like rotten eggs. She gets angry but I tell her what do you want me to do, stand there with my thumb in my bunghole so the sound doesnt startle people? I've even tried shoving toilet paper up my butthole so that when we go places that the sound wont be so loud. If I eat too much chili or coney dogs I am afraid that when I rip farts that liquid poop will come out. I try to eat better. I drink pop alot, could that make me cut farts? What makes my farts smell so bad? Should I make sure that I only leave the house after pooping alot? I dont have a pissing problem, if that helps anyone figure my problem out at all.



Re: Too much farting in public

Posted by U.R. Anidiot on December 17, 2002 at 14:53:04:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

I suggest you line your diaper with bubble wrap and stay away from Taco Bell, those expensive restaurants are going to break you.

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Re: Too much farting in public

Posted by Dave Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 15:37:41:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

The obvious solution is to stay in your bedroom and read a book instead of playing on the computer.

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Off subject, thank god.

Posted by Slackman on December 17, 2002 at 15:41:16:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

"We argue because she wont support me."

I've got the same problem with my wife. Why can't she see that I don't like going to work everyday.

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Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot"

Posted by The lights are on... on December 17, 2002 at 15:51:42:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

Catch a clue. Quick.

Stuart, did you make a connection between soda (contents under pressure -carbonated gas) and YOUR gas?

And that crap you eating and the difficulty digesting it?

All that gas production comes from incomplete digestion and food that is "incompatible" with your body.

You aren't doing anyone any favors by farting and smelling up the place. You CAN help it. Eat better.

And have a care for those around you. Farting is rude and inconsiderate.



Re: Too much farting in public

Posted by PeterB on December 17, 2002 at 18:32:54:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

i believe there is a "computerized bunghole muffler" available on the internet for this condition, which must be uncomfortable to wear but allows such tunes as the opening bar of beethoven's 5th, the first 8 notes of *Mash*, X-files, etc. then it apologizes for the smell, or you can program it to say "Whoaaa! WILBURRRR!!"



Re: Too much farting in public - "if only there was a way to educate myself"

Posted by ...but no one's home on December 17, 2002 at 19:01:26:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot" posted by The lights are on... on December 17, 2002 at 15:51:42:

NOW THERE IS!

Step right up, click on the links

Fart Muffler

Stinky Links

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Re: Too much farting in public

Posted by Miss Bliss on December 17, 2002 at 19:10:00:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public posted by PeterB on December 17, 2002 at 18:32:54:

Heh Heh

You guys up to mischief again?!!!

I have never heard of this fart contraption, Peter B. lol

But do you have a good theory as to why women and men differ so much in their gas problems.

My sister suffers from a gas problem, and then there are the rest of us who dont. She does exercise a lot. could that be it.

And why are men SUCH fart culprits!??? And us lovely women :) are not. :)



Re: Too much farting in public

Posted by PeterB on December 17, 2002 at 19:47:41:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public posted by Miss Bliss on December 17, 2002 at 19:10:00:

Miss Bliss, not sure but maybe its the bigger the animal the more gas it makes. A bear produces Big Smokey farts, a deer makes little bambi farts. As for humans, arn't men BIGGER than women? just guessing here

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Re: Too much laughing in public

Posted by Miss Bliss on December 17, 2002 at 22:11:14:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

I just read your post, and I swear I laughed so hard it ached. My eyes are running with tears of laughter!!!

Thanks matey. Lmao again!!!

Hey

Have you like ever been in a public place or in front of others, and just been overcome with laughter for no good reason. I think its a form of SR. lol Sometimes I do it at the most inappropriate times. Like If I have had an argument with someone, i will crack up, out of my control! invariably this pisses them off even more, and invariably makes my laugh myself silly even more. Its a vicious cycle. the madder they get , the more I split my sides with laughter!!!

*~ BLISS ~*

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Thanks to all for this thread, I'm having a hard time typing right now

Posted by Straw on December 18, 2002 at 09:25:27:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

Hey, all ...

It's been a r-e-a-l-l-y long time since I've had to literally wipe myself up off the floor from laughing so hard. The post & responses were just what I needed during this stressful holiday time (Merry Christmas, btw!)

Oh, man ... this one should be archived in comedy or something. Do we have a comedy thread archived Dr. Stoll?

Straw
lololololololololol

p.s. to original poster, I have no clue ... sorry. It's probably your diet.

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Re: Too much farting in public

Posted by Martin on December 19, 2002 at 17:41:06:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

why don't you plug it with a cork. you should be all set.

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Re: Too much farting in public - -

Posted by - Pull My Finger on December 19, 2002 at 18:01:20:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:




  Flatulence





Flatulence and Gas

Flatulence is more commonly known as farting, passing gas, cutting the
cheese etc.  We all do it and under normal conditions,  many
times a day. A good fart can bring a good laugh, drive your friends from
the room, or make you blame the dog, but generally most go unnoticed.  

Farts are composed primarily of carbon dioxide, hydrogen and methane as
well as other gases produced by bacteria in the gut fermenting carbohydrates. 
These sulfurous gases are responsible for the "stinky" quality of farts.   
How much flatulence is too much?   Basically, if it is not causing
you or your associates undue concern or alarm, you are probably farting
normally.  Most people fart 15 to 20 times a day.

There are situations where excessive abdominal gas can cause discomfort
and abnormal quantities of flatulence.

These include:

Swallowing Air

Lactose intolerance

Infections and malabsorption syndromes


Fartogenic foods

Swallowed air either must leave the gastrointestinal
tract by burping or farting.  Some people swallow more air than normal
when they are nervous, eat too fast, or if they drink many carbonated beverages. 
If this air is not burped out, it passes into the colon and can cause a
feeling of bloating and pain.  Generally some relief is felt when
the air is eventually passed as flatulence.  Swallowed air is probably
responsible for the feeling of "indigestion" many people get when they
are tense, nervous and gulp their food.  Slow down a little during
meals and don't drink too many soda pops and you may get some relief from
this form of gas.

Lactose intolerance is one of the most common true
causes of excessive flatulence.  Lactose intolerance results from
a deficiency in an enzyme called lactase which is normally present in the
lining of the intestine.  It is usually a hereditary disorder which
often does not become evident until late puberty or early adulthood. 

In Asians and African Americans it is very common and probably affects
up to 80 to 90% of the adult population.  In whites about 10 to 15%
of adults are lactose intolerant and those of Mediterranean or Hispanic
descent are more susceptible.  Symptoms of lactose intolerance include
diarrhea, cramping and excessive flatulence especially after consuming
dairy products (15 to 20 minutes). Sometimes people cannot directly associate
their problem with the ingestion of milk or dairy, so a good test is to
eliminate these from the diet and see if the symptoms go away.  You
can then challenge yourself with a glass of milk and see if the problems
return.  People can have varying severities of  lactose intolerance. 
Most intolerant individuals can have a little milk or dairy product without
problem.  For some this may be 1/2 glass of milk, others 1 or 2 glasses. 
The individual can usually eventually determine what their limit should
be to avoid becoming ill.  For people with severe lactose intolerance
avoidance of milk, ice cream etc is necessary to avoid the cramping, gas
and diarrhea.  Yogurt with live bacterial cultures is easily digested
by the lactose intolerant because the yogurt bacteria help digest the milk
sugar (lactose).  Some people say adding cocoa or chocolate to milk
can also make it easier to digest.  "Lactaid"
is also available which provides the missing enzyme, lactase.

Infections and intestinal malabsorption can lead
to gassiness and bloating.  Sometimes after a  person has been
sick with diarrhea ("stomach virus"), they get a temporary deficiency of
lactase and will become intolerant to milk for a short period of time. 
Eventually the intestinal lining cells produce lactase again and these
symptoms go away. It is good practice to avoid dairy products for a few
days after a bout of diarrhea or stomach flu.  Other infections such
as that caused by the parasite, Giardia, are notorious for producing abdominal
bloating and flatulence.  This parasite commonly occurs in streams,
lakes and sometimes municipal water supplies.

There are many less common intestinal "malabsorption syndromes" where
the gut is not able to properly digest and absorb carbohydrates, fats and
proteins.  These can occur due to an inflammatory process, the deficiency
of proper digestive enzymes etc.  Usually these syndromes are manifested
by marked diarrhea, weight loss and cramping although occasionally flatulence
can be the predominant problem.  These syndromes require the diagnosis
and treatment of a gastroenterologist.

Ingestion of certain foods, especially beans and
lentils, can result in gas and farting.  This is because these legumes
contain sugars (raffinose and stachyose) that cannot be absorbed by the
human gut.  Bacteria in the intestine ferment these sugars and in
the process produce a large amount of gas.  Although beans are the
most notorious "fartogenic" foods, some people also have problems with
cabbage and broccoli and other vegetables.  Foods which contain large
amounts of soluble fiber (fruits and bran) may also cause gas because as
the fiber is broken down in the large intestine it produces gas.

Vegetables and beans are nutritious and should be eaten liberally, 
but if you think they make you toot too much, you might find "Beano"
to be helpful.  This liquid contains an enzyme which helps break down
some of the undigestible sugars in beans and lentils before the bacteria
in your gut can ferment them.  Activated charcoal and simethicone
(Gas-X) can also be helpful in diminishing gas in the large intestine as well as Fartbuster




Re: Too much farting in public - - (more terminology)

Posted by Tia Maria. on December 19, 2002 at 18:30:44:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public - - posted by - Pull My Finger on December 19, 2002 at 18:01:20:

other fart terminology:


"squeeze cheese"


"float an airbiscuit"


from the Movie "Weird Science".

TM.



Re: Too much farting in public - - (more terminology)

Posted by Pull My Finger on December 19, 2002 at 21:02:05:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public - - (more terminology) posted by Tia Maria. on December 19, 2002 at 18:30:44:

Thanks for advancing the discussion in a serious vein.

PMF

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Re: Too much farting in public

Posted by Peter on December 20, 2002 at 00:58:01:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

Push the button
Pull the knob
Out comes big fat chocolate blob

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I've Got An Idea Stuart...

Posted by Pull My Finger on December 20, 2002 at 06:20:13:

In Reply to: Too much farting in public posted by Stuart on December 17, 2002 at 14:04:51:

Dress up like a clown see, and when some kid ask to see a trick, shove a balloon tied to a straw up you're ass, right?
And let loose. Once you learn to make balloon animals, man you'll be a hit. Hey everybody loves a clown, right? I figure
that with some baggy pants that blow outward when you cut the cheese, you can be a real laff-riot. Girls dig guys who can make them laugh. Dump the nag, and the girls will be lining up to be with you. Otherwise maybe you can get a funnel, right,
and on the open end rubberband a paper coffee filter that you soaked in HER favorite cologne, and shove that up your ass
instead. A little surgical tape or some tight undies oughta
hold that puppy right in place. Good luck!

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Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot"

Posted by Want to know - Walt on December 20, 2002 at 07:53:49:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot" posted by The lights are on... on December 17, 2002 at 15:51:42:

So, :)

The less gas, the better your digestion process? I hardly ever suffer from gas, so I am hoping that I am right on about this one and this means my digestion is ay ok.



Re: Too much farting in public - - (Archive in flatulence.)

Posted by Walt Stoll on December 21, 2002 at 07:25:57:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public - - posted by - Pull My Finger on December 19, 2002 at 18:01:20:

Thanks, Pull.

Walt

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Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot"

Posted by Walt Stoll on December 21, 2002 at 08:46:21:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot" posted by Want to know - Walt on December 20, 2002 at 07:53:49:

yeah

Walt



Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot"

Posted by Want to Know - Walt on December 21, 2002 at 21:41:28:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot" posted by Walt Stoll on December 21, 2002 at 08:46:21:

Thanks Walt.

I was starting to get a complex with all these "gas" posts on the board. :) thanks for the good news!

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Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot"

Posted by GasOK on December 23, 2002 at 17:38:39:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot" posted by Want to know - Walt on December 20, 2002 at 07:53:49:

not necessarily. Gas is not really indicative of bad digestion. It is the smell that shows.



Re: Too much farting in public - "I am just a quiet one"

Posted by I know on December 23, 2002 at 19:26:30:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot" posted by GasOK on December 23, 2002 at 17:38:39:

"Its the quiet ones you have to worry about."lol

No, but seriously, I really had to think about that, cos I really dont 'gas' lol that much. I mean to be honest in a regular day probably about NEVER! Its a surprise to me when I do. Weird, that IS so weird! Heh, lucky you dont know who I am. Phew! (wipes forehead)

The only time that I become 'gaseous' lol is when I am having a bowel movement. Occasionally, the smell is bad, but it depends what I had for lunch too. If my diet is going good, then Its mostly of the non odorous variety.

Did I give you too much info? Hope not. lol

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Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot"

Posted by Walt Stoll on December 24, 2002 at 08:07:06:

In Reply to: Re: Too much farting in public - "I drink pop alot" posted by GasOK on December 23, 2002 at 17:38:39:

Hi, Gas.

Improve your LGS and both the gas and the smell will get better. The sugar in your soda sure isn't helping.

Walt

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